Monday, January 11, 2016

Not Counting

I hate to be cliche, but I had a moment about it being a new year.  In every other part of my life, I give numbers the healthy skepticism they deserve.  Almost everything numerical, to me, is meaningless as an end to itself: my weight doesn't reflect who I am, my face doesn't reflect my age, the amount of money I make has no connection with my value to this world (in my most humble opinion).  Even in my job in which I look at numbers and what they mean a lot, I don't give them much credence....because there's always a story behind them that will surprise you.  Numbers are rarely a reflection of lived experience.

In many ways, numbers have failed me time and again.

But for some reason, they've been haunting me recently.  Perhaps I've turned the quantitative corner, never to look back, but I can't help but keep thinking about things in terms of quantified time: I finished grad school 2 years ago, I've lived in my apartment 7 years, I haven't had a haircut for almost 3 months, I quit 1 job last year, I have done 0 significantly impressive things in recent history, I should give myself 4289 breaks because I'm my own worst critic.  The more I try to observe life outside these United States, the more I believe this tendency obsession with quantifying to be "Amurican."  If I can count it significantly then it must be important and, thus, good.  Even if it's bad.

Despite all of these tallies, the one thing I can claim as countless is the number of times I've started something only to stop too soon. How many projects lay on the dining room table of my life incomplete?  How many self-help steps are left to check off the list? How many miles are left to be counted by my 12 fitness tracking apps?  Countless.  How many good ideas have I not made good on because I'm afraid of what will happen?  How many opinions have I not shared because I want people to like me for who I'm not?  Countless.

As I start really defining this "countless" genre, I can see that many of them are important...in their own ways, of course.  They could lead to things like being healthier, happier, sharper creatively, braver, generally a better person.  Those I give up on.  The stuff that doesn't really matter...like the number of years I've lived in one place...that I can give you an almost perfect accounting for.

Without quantifying or even summoning the word benchmark which is such an over-hyped, bullshitty buzzword, I'm making a pact with myself that in this year I will make good on a couple "countless" things...because they're worth it.  But the method, I think, is key.  And my method deliberately stays away from counting.  Ticking off a box or checking off on a list makes the content of that action so pointless.  All of life, then, becomes about hitting that next "mark."  I don't want to live life this way.  Maybe that is the only thing that I will choose to accomplish this year and that would be tremendous: giving up counting.

Everything I do, I want to count for something...just not for the meaningless tally it often becomes.  

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Worries I Have Regularly--Essay 1: Collective Impact and White People talking Poverty

My life is a minefield of worries from large to small that strike in no particular order.  Why is my mail late today? Will there be a dryer open after I do my wash? How can we disrupt the cycle of poverty for so many people?  How can racism continue to exist at this point in history?  When will American fall like Rome did?  I've always had a handle on percolating the small worries; sociology uncovered a whole new, huge realm of macro-worries that now also plague me.

One of these in a trend in non-profits called "collective impact," a term that I feel shackled by mostly because, on paper, it looks so promising but one step into the reality of it, things get thorny quickly.  I've written about it extensively in one case and I think about it almost constantly professionally.  Recently, I've begun to seriously consider the fact that I have been sucked in unwittingly to the shiny trappings of a really impossibly implemented idea.  Here's why:

Collective impact refers to an approach to solving particular, usually social, problems that most often create or undergird social inequality of some kind. I'm most familiar with this approach in schools where, in the Midwest, you encounter the typical but tragic reality that students who are black, Latino, and those who are lower income (usually the blacks and latinos) regularly post lower scores on standardized achievement tests.  In a collective impact model, stakeholders with similar interests that come from a variety of industries (in this particular case, usually it's schools, parents, after-school programs, and philanthropic organizations) to collectively solve this problem by agreeing to transparent data sharing and analysis, program and service integration, and an overwhelming, back-breaking amount of meetings. Generally.

When I first starting hearing and seeing this, I felt like this was a new answer to an age-old problem that was costing us all severe consequences.  No one can or should tolerate this kind of systematic caste system of education, even if we don't understand it or intend it.  Collective impact seemed to be (and still does in many ways) a real kind of re-organizing: of the way we do business, of the way we think about the problem, of the expression of our anger and intolerance for these kinds of outcomes time and again.

It might still be that but that (as one might notice) is mostly lip-service.  The implementation of this model requires an enormous overhaul in how white people think about and try to do something about our own complicity in the state of school and other social service interventions today.  In order for this to actually work, those with traditional privilege and, thus, power have to re-configure their relationship to it.  This means: they have to make peace with giving it up.

I am all for this.  It's high time.  BUT, my frustration with the model comes in that it underplays this cultural shift.  This is a *tremendous* shift for white people who have lived the ideology that if you work hard and put in your time, you will advance, and you will prosper.  Most white people (most), can function within most of our social systems.  That is the paths toward achievement and success are fairly clear, well-defined, and walked by others.  Even the most well-intentioned, most socially evolved white people struggle with truly believing that the same is not true for other racial groups.  They can see that something is not working for poor and minority kids and families but the suggestion of the same system in which they found relative comfort being a thorny jungle that can be, at times, impossible to navigate does not resonate.  They can intellectually see it; they are not willing to concede it at the most basic level.  At the end of every day, people who have achieved a lot want to believe that they struggled to do so and overcame the obstacles and that that game is the same for everybody stepping up to play.  Conceding that the system favors them undermines their own accomplishment.

This is the point that you find yourself at a table with a lot of well-intentioned, very smart people who are mostly white trying to fumble through re-thinking poverty...often without the voice of the very people for whom they have appointed themselves advocates. When it's really listening that's required, they want to make logic models and theories of action.

And identify metrics.  That's the topic of the second essay in this series.

I've begun to see social life as a series of dialogues.  Some have two parties, some have seventeen, it just depends on what it is on the table for discussion.  But each dialogue should have a leading voice that frames the scenario and facilitates the discussion.  For the most part, it's time for relatively wealthy, successful, white people, no matter how caring or well-intentioned, to stop trying to lead the discussion of the intersection of racism and poverty.  The driving voice there has to be one of experience first and not just one of observation.  And every white person around that table should resign themselves to listen first.  And trust the narrative that comes forth; trust it as real and true.  And wait for an invitation to join the discussion in the terms that emerge.  If white people continue to pat themselves on the back for nobly engaging in a race discussion that they never really would've before, they appropriate the discussion itself and negate the point of it.

White people: it's time to listen.  And come to terms with how little you know about the life you'll hear about.

Saturday, January 2, 2016

New Year, New You

There's something interesting about the pressure of a new year.  Starting over is such a "thing" these days.  And I was bombarded by "challenges" this morning: a 30-day yoga challenge, a 3 month fitness challenge, a reading challenge, a decorating challenge, a cooking challenge.

How about a thinking challenge?  How about a transformation challenge--not your body or fitness...how about a "becoming better at who you are" challenge?  That's the kind of email I need.

In the past couple months I've tried (in vain) to return to things I've done successfully in the past in hopes that I can find the same kind of satisfaction I once did.  I've hung out with old friends.  I've tried to write on paper again in a journal format. I've gone back to yoga.  Nothing feels right or good. I can't stick with it.  I feel constrained by it in some ways.  And to certain degrees, of course.  Hanging out with some old friends feels fantastic; others feel disappointing. Yoga feels fantastic...but it brings up challenge for me in a new way...and so I'm more likely to not feel overly compelled to do it again tomorrow.


In so many ways I feel behind the curve.  In some ways I need to break free from the expectations I had about finishing my dissertation and finding fulfillment in that.


I need a new dream.


That's what this year is going to be about for me.  Day by day, I'm going to write the script of a new dream.  I have no idea what that will look like.  I think somehow, stories will be involved.  I don't know what that means.  Writing will be involved; I am not sure of the medium.  Happiness will be a goal.  I almost said contentment but I'm not sure that's right.  I need some angst for magic to happen in my life.  Truth will be my guide.  That sounds unbelievably "new agey" but I don't mean it that way.  I mean I will decide on courses of action that feel right a genuine to me, and probably sometimes, me alone.  And I will stop lying to people for the sake of promoting their own delusions, whatever those are.  And I'll really begin again to educate myself.  


Things feel to be coalescing.


I think the method for this is key to everything.  This is not a starting over or even a re-focusing.  This is a refinement.  I believe I have all the tools I need to make something spectacular happen.  I need to practice with them.  I need to make mistakes with them.  I need to learn to craft with them.  But this is making new wine in old wine skins.  


This is the most exciting thought I've had in months.  It's been percolating that long. And I truly believe the fact that it's January 2nd is coincidence.  It was a deadline for myself...in a way.  But the time is ripe now to seize the inspiration and start the movement forward.  


One of the best ways I can describe it is a figure skating metaphor.  Unlike walking to running, in figure skating there's a moment when you're standing in a t-stop with one blade perpendicular to the other.  You're waiting.  And then, when the moment in right, you push off the back blade and take that first stroke forward.  It's not gradual.  From standing, you glide.  If you do it right, you glide gracefully.


That's my method.  The potential energy has been gathered.  Time to go kinetic (and I didn't even have to look that physics reference up).  See...all here waiting for the signal.