I've played backyard "smashfest" tennis (we'd stand at the baseline and swing away for three hours and hit about 10 shots in bounds) with my brothers before but I have never been serious or systematic about learning the game. So to get outside more and run around, I grabbed my racquet and signed up for group classes this summer.
And it took only two short months for me to develop horrible, awful tennis elbow. I've never, ever had that issue in the past but holy cow; had I been smart and listened to my body, I would've been sidelined for awhile. Instead, I pressed ahead. It wasn't until early November that I started taking a lesson with a different coach who, within about 12 minutes, said, "Your grip is way too tight. I bet you're feeling that in your elbow."
Yes, sir. Yes I was.
The next four lessons, every time I stepped up to the ball, he would say, "Katie, loosen your grip." "Katie your grip is too tight." "Get loose." "Take a deep breath." "KATIE. LOOSEN. YOUR. GRIP." For two hours, this mantra played on repeat. Sometimes I'd get frustrated and completely annoyed. And then, after I realized I was not going to cure this in an hour, I started internalizing it. It became like a heartbeat. And when I really concentrated--I mean like beads-of-sweat-forming-on-brow-from-thinking--and I promised myself I would get it all together, and I let go and relaxed...magic. That shot would drop just on that baseline with power but also with finesse. I think that happened, like, twice. But in those two times, I could both see and feel the balance, the interplay, of strength and release. I needed to play tennis to understand yoga.
Because this was such a mantra for those two hours, I found this message appearing to me at other times throughout my day and one day it finally landed as though I had never even heard it before.
"Katie, loosen your grip. You're holding on too tight."
I almost laughed at how obvious the message was, as if the Universe was like, "um, right...I wondered how long it would take you to realize that I wasn't channeling this to you because I think you'll make it big at Wimbledon some day." DUH. Everywhere I looked in my life, I could immediately see tension. And of course I knew it was there all along. I'm not so unaware of myself that I can't see I'm tied up in knots all the time. But I was seeing it in a new light; maybe there was another way. Was I worried about things out of my control? Yes. Was I holding on to anger and frustration about things in the past? Yes. Was I feeling under-appreciated without good reason? Yes. Was I wanting things to be different? Yes. I mean, like, every nook and cranny of my life had tennis elbow; so much fretting, so much fear. I was suffocating everything to the point that no day or occurrence or moment had a chance to be seen as joyful or hopeful. And everything was showing signs of the wear and toll of tension. Like a body gets tight, achy, and generally out of sorts, that's exactly how I felt about life in general; my heart and mind were boxed in, cramped, and struggling to breathe.
This diagnosis for my tennis game was nothing short of revolutionary. In the moments I was able to let go, I tapped into power and grace that I didn't even know I had at my disposal. But loosening my tennis grip has been one of the steepest challenges I've ever met. Finding it requires so much quiet, calm patience because gripping your racquet is very much like breathing: fundamental but not necessarily something you ruminate on with every swing. So now when I approach the ball, I have to think on every shot, "am i gripping too tight? Loosen." If I don't think it, I am surely gripping too tight. And Ramon is right there to say, "Katie. Loosen your grip." And the only way to cure it is to not get tight when you realize you're not doing it. This is about changing a response that feels innate. In life, I know, most of my successes and what I'm known for is my brute strength (I'll push through, I'll get it done, I'm a workhorse.) Now my approach requires that I forge a new path...one that isn't something I'm familiar with. One that seems very counter-intuitive to the goal.
Loosen. Loosen. Stay Loose. Loose. Loose. Loose.
And of course, that's true for life too. To apply this there's a vigilance that I have to choose to maintain. But the outcome will always be worth it. I have had few moments of such joy that could equal the times that I hit that tennis ball correctly and see how beautifully graceful that shot is...and it's usually a winner.
I'm just starting to understand what loosen could do for me in my life but it's obvious that it could be a real game-changer there, too. The mantra has been switched on. Now it's time to practice.
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