I've never had a period in my life that I haven't seriously (okay, obsessively) self-reflected. I think this is a symptom of living a perpetually single life: I feel the need to "check in" or "check things off the list" to make sure I'm still normal. I guarantee not all single people do this and, in fact, if I could let it go, I'd be happier. If I could embrace the fact that I'm not normal at all but still living a fulfilling life, I'd actually be content. That's a lot of big "if's." Suffice it to say: I wrestle with wanting to be normal when, in fact, my life is not that typically experienced by most people...or even enough to say I can even qualify for normal.
So, that's a morass as I've adequately demonstrated above. But I found an essay on this very thing that made me feel really much better about everything. Say what you will about Blossom, Mayim Bialik interests me. She's wicked smart, also cannot make claims to any kind of normalcy, and says some crazy shit sometimes. But her essay on GrokNation entitled "Contemplating Being Too Much" articulately reflected on a lot of my most current worries.
I have always feared that I, like Mayim (and apparently lots of other women), have fallen into the "too much" category. In fact, the list she ticks off including "too intense," "too loud," and "too opinionated" are all things I question myself on regularly. Add to that list that I'm too curious, too serious, too intellectual, too funny...possibly too much of all of these things all at once...I also come to the conclusion that I am, likely, too much. Yes, there are a lot of ways I can back it down.
But that's the rub, isn't it? Backing it down isn't natural to me. I'm "too much" in so many ways just being who I am (and I want more than that sometimes) that I can't even imagine what to pick to back down on first. And when I imagine doing that or, on the rare occasion actually back down, it's exhausting. I throw myself off balance. It's not my natural state. Because of that, all the other parts of me also get thrown off balance and before too long...I'm miserable...and I can't get out of it.
This is part of the constant conundrum, isn't it? I'm not sure why. It's pretty clear to me that the consequences of being too much are generally awesome in that, theoretically, birds of a feather will flock together. Too much will find itself. BUT, that also means giving up on the dream of normalcy. (Wait, why is that a dream again? Because it's secure? Because it seems secure?)
For me, there's always a fear that if I fully embrace single life, that I'll go over the edge into craziness. "The Cat Lady" is mere degrees away from where I find myself in this world right now. Does the end of "too much" always lead to "too many cats"? (figuratively, of course, because I hate cats...) And then there's also the fear that fully embracing single life is giving up on some of the things that fall into the normal "palette" that I might really want. Have I "given up" anything simple because my life doesn't look like it "should" to have those things?
The essay Mayim writes concludes with the idea that there are a lot of powerful, interesting, fulfilled and fulfilling women that find themselves in the same boat and they need not worry: too much is actually just right. That conclusion (so simple!) gave me the most solace because I don't need to be reminded of that. I know that my "too muchness," in all of its forms, is an asset. The truth is, I wouldn't be here where I am today if I didn't make choices that I believed in then and still believe in now that led me here.
I am my worst enemy in questioning that road. But I am also my best friend in continuing to hope for a community of "too much" to surround myself with that will get me through when the going gets particularly rough. It's just a road I hope not to walk alone.
We can all be too much together. I hope.
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