Culminating Moments

There's something to be said for creativity and abject exhaustion.

I have had a week of very early morning meetings and, because I'm a creature of the night, I haven't had much sleep this week.  It's Friday and after the third 8am meeting in 3 days, my eyelids are drooping at half-mast and I'm starting to question the meaning of life.

But not really.

I think for anyone who runs on the nervous or anxious side, this kind of involuntary exhaustion brings incredible clarity.  Usually my mind is overwhelming firing on all 10,000 cylinders--sometimes to the point that I get physically exhausted.  I think that's why online games are such a source of relaxation: it's a single-minded activity.  I can recoup during those times.  Without the nervous chatter, I can see how things are.  Life is no longer a dialogue or a trialogue in my head; it's just me seeing things for what they are.

When I lack the energy or strength to fight, amazing things start happening.  I think these should be called culminating moments.  Just as in growing plants there are times to be active and times to be passive, so too is that through in the life-cycle of a thought.  Actually, many thoughts.  Without the prattle of everyday chores and actions, things can make sense in profound ways.

Such is this moment.  And the thing I like about this moment is not that it's a reckoning or reasoning or coping; it's actually just accepting things as they are because I don't have the wherewithal to fight right now.  Singing: whatever comes will come.  Maybe it's time to grow silent for awhile.  Organizational life: I have a voice that should be heard more, thoughtfully.  Intellectual life: the dragon is re-awakening.  I feel like this could become a very productive time, I just need some focus.  Physical life: I could be a kick-ass tennis player if I get my shit together.

There are times that you need the energy to climb mountains and you do.  And then you risk getting stuck up there.  Coming down is so much more careful, tricky, unexpected work.  Funny how you can't bound down a mountain.

That's just one step at a time with a path fully in sight.

Reflection: Might have jumped in a bit fast

I'm not sure this reflection business is such a good idea.

I know it's good.  But it's disruptive.  And that's probably good too.  But what I'm finding is that it stands in counterpoint to the status quo.  So far, nothing that I've written is inherently bad.  In fact, it speaks to change.  But change, you see, makes things change.  And that's disruptive.

So I last reflected on the principle and foundation and for the next three days my life ran off the rails.  I got depressed and weepy.  I felt fairly unable to function.  It was upsetting, probably because I came face to face with the fact that establishing (or accessing or identifying with) a foundation and principle right now is really hard. The act of doing it isn't hard; the act of realizing the things you're spending your time on might be not all that purposeful or meaningful is very hard...and it invites judgment in.  Confusing when judgment, especially in this first exercise, is exactly what you're not reflecting on...in fact, you're thinking about unconditional love.

And that is extremely overwhelming.  What I've realized is that I have a hard time even beginning to accept this.  I made light of it in the last post but even the thought that something greater than me, which has created me, doesn't even look past but loves me in spite of my faults actually makes me angry.

How dare God.

This sounds funny but I'm totally serious.  Maybe I've become so consumed with the idea of working hard and reaping rewards, that the fact of love unconditionally is completely annoying.  Because guaranteed no one will work harder than I do...so I should get that love...and others

wait...how did others get in this mix.

This sounds like so much of the creeping message of Martha (of Mary and Martha) and the older brother in the Prodigal Son parable who serve to teach us this unconditional love lesson very clearly.  In both those stories, the end is basically, "it doesn't matter what you've done, which is good and appreciated.  But you could've not done those things and I would still love you."

It's so incredibly annoying!

This is clearly a first-world problem.  And it's an American problem.  I'm annoying because this flies in the face of everything I've ever been taught about means and ends.  So, this is a huge basic stumbling block for me.  I wonder if I've become more militant about this over the years.  It feels like I never used to be so annoyed by this.

Ultimately, it's a power issue.  I want to know how it works so that I can make sure I'm where I want to be in it which, of course, is being the best.  But when something is unconditional, it means I am not the controller of that destiny.  It's given, whether I reject or accept it, it's there.  And I have no responsibility to do either.  It's just there.  Smiling at me.  Why do I resent that?  Because I don't trust it?

This has completely thrown me off guard.  The only place I can actually access these ideas with acceptance and curiosity is [gasp] on my yoga mat.  So, I'm going to take this reflection there and see what I can do with that.

For next time: It costs to be a lover. 

The hits just keep on comin.

Principle and Foundation

For Lent this year, I decided to switch it up.  As I was wondering around in my head about what I could "give up" or "work on" I realized that, though a spend a lot of time at church, I'm experiencing a distance of faith that irks me a little.  It's been a long time since I focused on actually looking inward and not just turning inward.  So I thought I good spring cleaning in there could be helpful; thus, of course, I turned to my man St. Ignatius to lead me.  Though his Spiritual Exercises, borne of boredom in a hospital, are done as a total retreat, the modern adaptation of these is called the 19th Annotated Spiritual Exercise or Spiritual Exercises in Everyday Life (leave it to the Jesuits to annotate something 19x before it's to their liking).  Nevertheless, I need to reflect verbally, quietly, to the hum of my typing and so this is where I'm going to do it.

And, nothing like jumping right in.  I forgot how hard this is.

The first step is the Principle and Foundation.  What is that in my life?

[crickets. Jeopardy music. more crickets].

I'm going to write it down today although I think it'll evolve and grow the more I think about it.  I think my life is about knowing.  Knowing for the sake of discerning.  Knowing for the sake of seeing change that has to happen and acting to evoke that change.  But this is really to find beauty and truth.  And wisdom.  My principle, where I start, I think is truth.  And seeking it to bring everybody to it, whatever it might be.

This is Ignatius' statement:

Man is created to praise, reverence, and serve God, our Lord, and by this means to save his soul. Alright.  Not exactly the same.  He's more Lord-y about his.  But the essence is there, I think.  Although I'm maybe more communally focused.  And maybe not so heaven-bound.  How about some soul-saving right here...and not, like, in the huge "end of days" sense?  C'mon Ignatius. Although this is the one that requires significant reflection, I think: The great turning point in life comes when I realize and fully accept the fact that God loves me unconditionally with a love I cannot earn or ever be worthy of, not for my possessions or for my accomplishments, but for myself, for myself not as I could be or should be but as I really am with all of the physical warts, psychological quirks and spiritual infidelities.  I think this is an incredibly hard truth to get a hold of because it's not a human thing.  As much as people (or a person) might say this at some point and you might believe them at some point, they are limited by their humanness, and humans are somewhat hardwired to be conditional (probably for literal survival).  We take things one step at a time.  We embrace rules.  We look for the familiar and normal. We work within the parameters of our lives.  So, unconditional to me is completely foreign.  I don't know what this looks like.  I cannot promise this to anyone else because I cannot imagine every condition that could exist that would render, no less guarantee, my same reaction to it.  So unconditional is a cosmic thing.  Which obviously requires faith.  Reasonably, the only way to respond to this, to accept it as true, is to suspend reason and go with faith.  I feel very iffy about this. The look on his face is the look on my face.  He clutches his heart, I clutch mine. This is not a revolutionary idea but what this requires is very hard. Complicating this even further is that you can't earn it or ever be worthy of it.  There's no blood, sweat, and tears in this.  You can't put a nose to the grindstone.  Frankly, this is an un-American kind of love.  I can't boostrap my way into this.  Even worse, I don't have to.  It's there for my taking. What kind of deal is this?!?  If I'm going to be honest about it, this is exactly the start of all of my struggles.  I don't know where or when (and likely it involves Sociology) that I lost the ability to trust in things, in people, but I just don't.  I anticipate disappointment. I forecast exactly where people will hurt me.  And I'm usually right.  But what if I didn't do that?  And what if I thought more about this in terms of God?  What if I reflected more on the fact of this?  Suspended my reason and actually dug into what this is and what it looks and feels like? It wouldn't kill me.  In fact, it might just let me unfurl a little bit.  Sometimes I forget that I'm not done growing.  I think I just need to figure out what that path looks like.  This could be it. And it could be just invisible to me now as that walkway was to Indie.