Reflection: Might have jumped in a bit fast

I'm not sure this reflection business is such a good idea.

I know it's good.  But it's disruptive.  And that's probably good too.  But what I'm finding is that it stands in counterpoint to the status quo.  So far, nothing that I've written is inherently bad.  In fact, it speaks to change.  But change, you see, makes things change.  And that's disruptive.

So I last reflected on the principle and foundation and for the next three days my life ran off the rails.  I got depressed and weepy.  I felt fairly unable to function.  It was upsetting, probably because I came face to face with the fact that establishing (or accessing or identifying with) a foundation and principle right now is really hard. The act of doing it isn't hard; the act of realizing the things you're spending your time on might be not all that purposeful or meaningful is very hard...and it invites judgment in.  Confusing when judgment, especially in this first exercise, is exactly what you're not reflecting on...in fact, you're thinking about unconditional love.

And that is extremely overwhelming.  What I've realized is that I have a hard time even beginning to accept this.  I made light of it in the last post but even the thought that something greater than me, which has created me, doesn't even look past but loves me in spite of my faults actually makes me angry.

How dare God.

This sounds funny but I'm totally serious.  Maybe I've become so consumed with the idea of working hard and reaping rewards, that the fact of love unconditionally is completely annoying.  Because guaranteed no one will work harder than I do...so I should get that love...and others

wait...how did others get in this mix.

This sounds like so much of the creeping message of Martha (of Mary and Martha) and the older brother in the Prodigal Son parable who serve to teach us this unconditional love lesson very clearly.  In both those stories, the end is basically, "it doesn't matter what you've done, which is good and appreciated.  But you could've not done those things and I would still love you."

It's so incredibly annoying!

This is clearly a first-world problem.  And it's an American problem.  I'm annoying because this flies in the face of everything I've ever been taught about means and ends.  So, this is a huge basic stumbling block for me.  I wonder if I've become more militant about this over the years.  It feels like I never used to be so annoyed by this.

Ultimately, it's a power issue.  I want to know how it works so that I can make sure I'm where I want to be in it which, of course, is being the best.  But when something is unconditional, it means I am not the controller of that destiny.  It's given, whether I reject or accept it, it's there.  And I have no responsibility to do either.  It's just there.  Smiling at me.  Why do I resent that?  Because I don't trust it?

This has completely thrown me off guard.  The only place I can actually access these ideas with acceptance and curiosity is [gasp] on my yoga mat.  So, I'm going to take this reflection there and see what I can do with that.

For next time: It costs to be a lover. 

The hits just keep on comin.